Saturday, March 25, 2017

UNI LIFE.

I started my uni life since 4 weeks aka a month ago. I still feel everything is so unreal because I never really take a long break after finishing my diploma. After the final semester exam ended, I only take few weeks off to go and have a bonding session with my friends and families. After that, I started the summer school which is only taking the MPU subjects for 2 months. During the 2 months, friends in college keep on pressuring me with the stories of previous seniors who studied in UOW. KILL ME PLEASE. I do think of getting a long break and looking for a proper job to earn some pocket money but no one wants to hire me. OK, maybe I wasn't that sincere on sending resume I guess? So my mum asked me to go study rather than wasting time at home like a useless wood.

Back to the uni life. The rules and regulations on every subject are slightly same but it is quite confusing at the same time. Basic rules are same of course, but some important details are the one to decide you whether you should fail your paper or pass your paper. When I was in diploma, everything is not that serious and you can just attend the class for attendance and ciao.

IT IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY FOR NOW!! It is not that easy peasy lemon squeezy anymore. Once you skip one class, you will never get back to the track. I AM SERIOUS. Even I never skip for the class, I still cannot follow the syllabus. Every week have to submit a few pages tutorial for all the subject you take, citation all that shit must be included otherwise you will get 0. Lecturer mentioned we need to do citation for every piece of work, some of the work must follow the citation requirement like you must cite 4 journals, 2 textbooks or what so ever. You will have to bring the subject outline with you all the time. It stated all the work you need to do and the syllabus you will need to cover for every week. Attendance must be 80% present for both tutorial and lecture. It is Australian study program which means we as a student will need to use Aus textbooks, reference books, and everything from AUS.

I am a very lazy person tbh. Doing work every day is not my style, some more lecturers posted all the work in soft copy. I wonder why they like to post the videos on moodles and ask us to watch it. It is freaking 2 hrs video. It is not a video anymore, it should be a movie. I feel like dying every time they ask us to do the video watching..............

I don't know how to stay alive ah.... let's see the result for the first semester.....

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

你究竟在為誰而演戲?

太多的事情,太多的心情。太多太多⋯ 想法子去安慰,卻沒有這個能力,唯有做個靜靜的聆聽者。知道的故事太多,想要的就是得到一種安慰,一種救贖。當你越是想要把事情搞好,卻往往會弄巧反拙。你究竟是在為誰而這樣做?

越是努力想改變自己的生活,卻慢慢的失去自我。越是想把自己搞得精彩,卻忘記了自己活著的意義。越是這樣,你開始質疑,轉牛角尖。你究竟又是在為誰呢?

我有時還真的很質疑自己,我自己真正要的是什麼⋯ 有種自欺欺人久了,開始懷疑面前的一切是在安慰自己還是自己真正想要的東西。我究竟是怎樣了?

我拼命的努力,卻得不到認同。我拼命的爭取,卻被現實打敗。我拼命追尋,卻被失望打擊。我相信奇蹟,但奇蹟不發生在我身上。

或許,上帝的指引,我還未能參透⋯⋯ 繼續的腳踏實地吧!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

做人何必如此?

欢喜忧愁,夹杂在一起。来到了年尾,又是一个总结2016年的时候。

恢复单身才发现之前原来错过了很多,很多与家人朋友一起的时间。慢慢发觉原来我是多么的注重感情躲过亲情和友情。这一年半的时间里,可以说是学了很多,也了解与认识自己很多很多。在快乐与悲伤的结合里,发现人与人之间需要的不只是信任那么简单,也需要更多的包容与耐心。我们明显在各种磨合里慢慢失去原本的初衷,也慢慢的失去自我。我想把最好的都留给身边的那个他,但是那个他并不是这样认为吧。当你拼命的计划着彼此的未来,但是对方却拼命地想办法,找理由结束。从符合的那一次开始就不被认可,不被祝福,直到现在,大家都还在为我那逝去的爱情感到惋惜。当初的他是多么的让人满意,当初的他是多么的好,多么得让人赞不绝口。现在的他,像是过街老鼠,人人喊打。

计划赶不上变化,很有计划的时候通常都被临时的事情而打乱。这种不在节奏上的生活好累。我很想有计划地去实行每一件事情,但是偏偏突如其来的变化让你把一次一次的期待统统粉碎。我很不喜欢不按牌理出牌,明明决定好了,又要换来换去,不是一次而是好几次。内心充满着期待去完成一件事情,却被一堆不知道是什么的事情毁了一次又一次。好好的期待,却换来一次又一次的失落。人就是这样吧。

现在的结束,我并不觉得可惜。完全有着心理准备的去接受这个结果,还完全不觉得难过的心情去接受这一切。也许,累计了那么多的不满,难受,委屈,真的抱着一种想要解脱的心情来结束这一切。我明明可以忘记一切不开心的事情,却被训练成难过也要放在心上让自己煎熬,难受。我好像变得更加的负面了。

时间啊时间,让我又爱又恨。爱你是因为你真的可以有这个能力淡化一切事情,恨你是因为你有这个能力让一切事情变得不如预期。现在唯有让所有事情画上个句号,一切都成为过去。完全没再留恋,也没有那个感觉了。只能说一次一次的伤害已照成了心灵上的麻痹,已经没有任何可以再次心动的机会了。真是没想到,当初让我充满信心地一次感情却让我现在完全死心,甚至什么都不想要了。真的····完全····死了。

想起第一次分手的时候说的那些狗话,说让我们一起等几年后的相遇是否会有火花,现在不想了,不要了。彼此都知道不适合对方却硬要在一起,我们尝试了,不行就是不行,不能强求。你让我走,我也让你走。大家解脱吧,什么五年后的约定都别了。不知道你会不会看到,但是就当作是我自我提醒吧。之前死死都不肯说结束,是希望我们都会有那个热诚与信念,可以战胜一切磨练与困难。原来不行就是不行啊。大家都有问题但就是不要去解决,你累了,我何尝不是也更累吗? 

忍一时风平浪静,退一步海阔天空。 

真的能这样吗?你能忍到几时?退到哪里?我忍气吞声,退到无路可退,有苦往心里去啊。有些时候说出来是因为真的忍无可忍了,退无可退了。你却懵然不知!教训就是,别以为你单方面的忍与退就可以得到好的结果。回想起来,我真的是犯贱,太愚蠢极致。明明各种暗示,提示都在说明那一个人已经没心经营了,我却热脸贴冷屁股,倒贴啊!那段日子,真的行尸走肉般的生活,感谢到最后得到释放。

有些话,藏在心里久了,虽知没人在乎但还是想宣泄出来。语言也只能够是表达自己的一部分了。我决定不再回头,也不会挽留。不属于我的东西,我不强求。祝你幸福。


庆幸,身边的事物都已顺利完成。

感谢主,让我看开了很多,不再执迷不悟。